Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about getting into a relationship with someone. Maybe it’s because so many people are starting to get into serious relationships, or maybe I just feel lonely. I recently joined a server of girls, many of whom are already in committed relationships. Another friend has been in a committed relationship for about three years now and is thinking about marriage. Even an aroace friend is starting to see someone – of course, I support them wholeheartedly but can’t help but feel… jealous? Maybe I’m envious despite not moving an inch to try to have that for myself.

I am like a storm of conflicts – wanting but also not wanting at the same time, lonely yet not lonely, jealous yet not jealous. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t really have experiences to measure my feelings against, nor can anyone else give me the answers.

I want someone to be cute with. Someone to cuddle with comfortably when chilling together. Someone who I can be goofy with. I want to go on cute dates, hold hands and take pictures. I want to be wholly let into someone else’s heart, I want someone I can truly be 100% myself and will stick with me for the years to come. And I also want to let someone else into *my* heart, this closed-off thing that is scared of being seen. I want to document our life together and look back on it with fondness, I want to write sappy, heartfelt messages and be someone’s “special someone”.

I want a best friend who I can count on to always be in my life, and to always put me first. I want a partner who will be there in the morning when I wake up, and someone to come home to after a long day of work.

I want a lot of things, but at the same time scared to reach out for them. I’m scared that I won’t be able to reciprocate my partner’s romantic feelings. I’m scared that I won’t be enough – that I won’t be able to match their enthusiasm to the relationship.

I’ve decided to face my fears though. I want to up my game – get nicer clothes, learn how to take care of my hair, learn how to apply makeup. And then I want to try using a dating app for the first time in my life.

The thing is, all my life I thought I was more attracted to guys. Even when I figured out I was aroace, I still thought I leaned more towards being attracted to guys. But I feel uncomfortable imagining being in a relationship with any of my guy friends, and really don’t feel anything special when I imagine it with a guy in general. It just feels a lot more comfortable when I imagine it’s a girl, but I’m not sure if that’s because I’m used to being closer with girls or not. Maybe this makes sense actually, I’ve always been more drawn to pretty boys, especially if they have long hair or delicate features. All of this is so confusing…

I will try to find a girlfriend and see how it goes. I hope all goes well and that I find someone to be happy with.

This term was rough. I don’t really have the energy to do anything, school-related or otherwise. All I do is watch useless YouTube videos, browse useless Reddit forums, play useless games, and have an overall productivity of 0%.

It’s frustrating – I want to do so much, but can’t bring myself to do anything. It feels like I’m pushing myself too hard when in reality I’ve barely pushed myself to be functional. My bedtime gets pushed later and later because I want to do something, but end up spending those hours doing nothing at all.

Where’s my motivation? Where’s my drive? I don’t even want to draw or paint anymore. I guess I just got overwhelmed with the amount of work this term. Or maybe it’s the result of having been cooped up at home for the past year and a half due to the pandemic. I don’t know.

I got carried in my labs for one of my courses. I owe that guy my mark, so I guess I’ll buy him some food the next time I see him. It’s the least I could do for not pulling my weight.

Hoping that I get my life back on track next term. All I have to do is push through this last week and pass my exams. I don’t even care about marks anymore; I just want to pass.

Sometimes I wonder what I’m in this program for. Sometimes I wonder if I should just transfer into something easier and not suffer through all this. None of my friends in other programs seem to be having a hard time. Then again, I’m already three years in – it’s too late to quit now. Two more years and I’ll be off to do full time work.

Is this all there is to life?

This sucks.

We don’t talk much. Really, there’s nothing to talk about between us. He likes juggling, music, science, math, and has so much more knowledge than me that I feel myself grasping for a topic that both of us can contribute to.

I like art, plushies, fantasy fiction, and I feel that my interests are so superficial and childish compared to his that I feel reluctant to bring them up. I wish I could impress him – stun him with my eloquence, surprise him with my deep understanding in x topic, amaze him with how fast I pick up things. Except… those are not qualities that I possess. And I’m so out of his league – I see so many good points in him that my few can hardly compete.

So why do I like him?

He’s knowledgable, intelligent, honest, well-rounded, and does things whole heartedly. His tenacity and intensity make me speechless – I’ve never met anyone like him before. He’s emotionally mature and has experienced so much more; and he analyzes himself to improve in areas that he finds himself slacking in. He doesn’t hesitate in offering help either – I often see him at a whiteboard giving impromptu lessons in various topics.

When something piques his interest, he’ll research it until he’s familiar with the ins and outs and all of its quirks.

And he’s not without a mischevious side, and can carry a conversation filled with jokes and references and jibes while being aware of boundaries and things that are Off Limits. He’s not too proud to apologize when he’s in the wrong, either.

He’s well-known and well-liked – due to both his intellect and his amicability.

But what I like the most about him is that he’s observative and caring as well. He doesn’t show it outwardly, but he cares about his friends.

He doesn’t like me. To him, I’m probably a casual friend, or a neighbour. I can see it in how he never pays me extra attention when talking in a group, in the way he never acts differently towards me than anyone else.

I’m okay with that, I really am. Besides, a relationship in which conversation is so stilted and mundane would never work out, no matter how much I admire his qualities. I’ll get over him.

It’s just that no one else can compare.

24/03

Today marks the end of my visit to my dad’s hometown. I probably won’t have time to return until I graduate university four years later, and I miss them already.

Despite my weak language fluency and inability to understand the dialect holding me back from freely communicating, my relatives were all so welcoming and inclusive. I am truly grateful for them, although I regret not being able to express it properly and worry that I came across as rude and uninterested. I should have spoken more, even if it was only in broken Chinese.

I don’t have a large family back home – just me, my parents, and my grandparents. So this was a bit overwhelming; my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (and even nephews and nieces!) all gathered around a giant table at mealtime. It was… comforting.

The dinner table was lively and joyous with small talk and jokes. Kids ran around in playful laughter – mischievous brats with sassy remarks and little princesses who whack you in the face with their toys as well.

I spent my four days here thinking, “Ah, this is how life could have been like.” As an only child, life at home tends to get lonely. But not here.

21/03

Lately, I’ve been noticing my appearance a lot more than before. Ever since I came back from university, my weight gain has made itself apparent in a couple of ways.

First, my stomach is a lot rounder than it was previously. I have more trouble fitting into my pants and I can feel the beginnings of fat rolls when I twist my torso.

Second, my face is wider. Due to the way my cheekbones are structured, the fat on my cheeks is shown quite clearly through a crease starting from the bottom of the nose in the direction of the corners of my mouth. This has always been an insecurity of mine, as well as the fact that it bunches up at the cheeks when I smile.

I have a few insecurities about my appearance besides that.

My eyes are big and round, but they tend to look bulgy and vaguely fish-like at certain angles. The residue of acne scars and large pores on my cheeks, as well as a perpetually shiny nose is another. My mouth is also kind of small in proportion to the rest of my face; my face is wide instead of thin and delicate looking. In fact, my facial features look too small in comparison to my face.

On the other hand, my hair is big and frizzy with untamed half curls. There is way too much of it and it doesn’t look soft at all.

On my back, acne scars litter my too-wide shoulders. My frame isn’t very thin and feminine, but rather thick and sturdy. My butt in particular is fat and not shapely; my legs are thick with muscle yet not toned.

Sometimes, I wonder what it’s like to be stunningly beautiful – to garner the attention of everyone just by walking by. I wonder if anyone has ever considered me “cute” when walking by.

13/03

I’m currently sitting at the airport, waiting to board my flight. What I’m feeling now is slightly bittersweet – I’m glad to be able to relax now, but I miss the experience I had at my first company.

I came to the company convinced that I would hate my job – which I did, for the first two months. I had low pay, a boring job, and everyone on my team was well over my age which made it hard to relate and casually chat. I didn’t feel challenged at all in my position, and felt like my brain was melting instead of learning.

I ate my lunches with a single other co-op from Waterloo. But we bonded more out of necessity than desire, and it seemed to me that we have nothing in common save for the fact that we were both students at the same university.

In a sense, I’m reminded of a line from Macbeth: “Tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day.” My office life was boring and monotonous; my motivation to work steadily decreased as days passed one by one.

All of this changed when someone reached out to me with, “Hey, I didn’t know you were another intern!” It was as if my world suddenly exploded with colour – this vibrant and vivid person was a neon sign in the grey and repetitive monotone of life.

My hate for the job was tempered by the reprieve that chatting with him granted me. Through him, I also met more wonderful people who I was comfortable cracking jokes and acting as myself around. I began to look forward to coming to work instead of regretting my choice to accept the offer.

I also owe gratitude to a full-time contractor at A. During my last month assigned mostly to his team, I found a sort of big brother/mentor relationship as he gave me guidance over my work but also general tips as well amongst jokes and jibes at one another. There was no shortage of my calling him an “old man”, nor him calling me a “guppy”.

Looking back, I’ve learned a surprising amount on the job. I let my pride (or rather, arrogance) cloud my judgement and allow me to think that I was too good for the job. While it is true that the tasks I was given did not pose a challenge to me, I was massively inexperienced with working in an office in general. My lack of knowledge was made abundantly clear, as it might take me three days to complete what my coworkers could do in one.

Over the past four months, I’ve gained exposure to real world applications and procedures, as well experience in not only software but also administrative duties as well. I may not have gained much in terms of technical skill, but it taught me humility and showed me the gaping chasm between my capabilities and my coworkers’.

Going forward, I believe that the lessons learned over this term will stay with me for several years to come.